No point in dancing around it. We might as well get it out in the open. You think I should color my hair. You’re convinced I could knock fifteen years off my age if only I’d get rid of the gray. Oh sure, you might not say it to my face, but as soon as my back is turned …
Don’t worry. I get it all the time. Believe me, you’re not the first person who’s ever looked at photos of me and wondered how I could possibly have missed the dead muskrat decomposing on top of my head. And you’re certainly not alone in your desire to knock me unconscious and give me a makeover. Not that I blame you. It’s only natural to want to improve someone else’s looks. Heck, I’ve wanted to whack Martha Stewarts’ bangs off myself for years. So see, I totally get where you’re coming from. What’s more, I find it touching that you care enough about me to want to help me present a better face, or rather, hair, to the world. That’s why I’ve decided you deserve some sort of explanation as to why I’ve chosen this rather unconventional…uh, unique…okay, backward coif hue. So here goes.
The first reason I don’t color my hair is that I’m too cheap. Supposedly the typical life span of a decent coloring is about two months, and according to my friends who color their hair (which includes all of them!) it costs a small fortune to have the job done professionally – some salons charge as much as two hundred bucks a pop! That’s the equivalent of one plane ticket to see my grandchildren, which means I can visit Aidan and Avery six times a year with gray hair or I can sit at home with dyed hair. Gee. I wonder which way I’m going to go on that one.
The alternative, of course, is to do the job myself, which is not totally out of the question. After all, I’ve been giving myself home permanents for years, although admittedly with some pretty nasty results along the way. You’d think that would stop me from doing it. It doesn’t. Nor would the likelihood of dismal failure stop me from attempting to color my own hair. Professionals everywhere are warning, "Do not try this at home” but of course, I will.
This brings me to the second reason why I do not color my hair – indecision. I simply can’t make up my mind about which color. Picture this. I am standing in the hair-care aisle at Wal-Mart, engulfed in an ocean of products available to the cheap/fool-hearty/dumb/do-it-yourself consumer. Slowly my eyes glaze over as I slip into a choice-overload-induced coma. Should I go with Cinnamon Stick or Smokey Embers? Will I look better in Plum Crazy or Raven Maven or Henna Hurry?
The photo on the package is certainly no help. Long, thick, shiny, voluminous, lustrous hair like that would look good in any color (even, dare I say, decomposing muskrat.) And call me cynical, but isn’t that the same woman on every box? Apparently even she can’t make up her mind. And how does she get her hair to fall exactly the same way in every photo, unless … Wait a minute. Don’t tell me she’s been – Photoshopped! Do you mean to say they’ve taken just your average run-of-the-mill gorgeous runway model and used the computer to dial her hair hue from ash to jet to auburn to mahogany to strawberry? And to think the reason I haven’t colored my hair is because I had no way to picture myself in various shades before the damage was done! For heaven’s sake, I’ve got Photoshop! What am I waiting for? This changes everything! Pardon me for interrupting this article, but I’m going to stop right now and "try on” a few hair colors myself and see how I look in them. Wish me luck!
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Okay, I’m back and here are my options. As you can see, choosing the right one isn’t going to be easy.
I've always wanted to be a sunny blonde:
Then again this lovely auburn might be nice:
Perhaps I should go with a warm brown:
...with maybe just a few highlights:
This maroon shade seems to be popular:
Or there’s always a stunning jet black:
And of course, Dead Decomposing Muskrat
Gosh. I just can’t make up my mind. I really need some help. If you have a minute, would you mind dropping me a note to give me your opinion? I can't tell you how much I'd appreciate it.