Me – As First Lady

Launching My Campaign

This may come as a shock to my more feminist-leaning readers, but the truth is I have zero interest in ever becoming President of the United States. I would, on the other hand, jump at the chance to be First Lady. What's more, I happen to think I'd be a pretty darn good one.

Now obviously in order to land such a position, one must first be married to a President, which at the moment I am not. However, just because my husband isn't currently presiding in the Oval Office, doesn't mean he wouldn't do a spectacularly bang-up job at it – a fact I hope you'll keep in mind should you ever run across his name on a ballot!

But enough about him. I want to talk about me, and why I want to be First Lady. Let's start with the perks – like housing, for example. I mean, seriously, can you think of a more wonderful place to live? All those rooms – each one with its own designated color! And not a single ugly plaid sofa or Naugahyde recliner in the whole place. I get weepy just thinking about it.

Another fun aspect of the job would be having my own personal "staff”, you know, to pay the bills and renew our insurance policies, not to mention keeping up with my social calendar that ideally would include engagements that are a little more exciting than what I've currently got on tabs for the upcoming month, which amounts to exactly bupkis.

I'd like to think that being in the spotlight, as First Ladies so often are, would also motivate me to drop those ten stubborn pounds, but who am I kidding? After all, have you seen some of the menus from those fancy State dinners? Personally I intend to take full advantage of any and every meal prepared by the White House chef, and if it means leaving office even heftier than when I came in, well that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Of course I realize the job is not all fun and games. Being First Lady also carries with it a certain amount of responsibility. For one thing, you have to pick out the china for your husband's administration (I wonder if they have a Pier One in D.C.) You're also in charge of entertaining – a task that poses absolutely no problem for me, given my huge stash of paper goods and decorations leftover from all the previous parties I've thrown over the years.  These include, but are not limited to, Luaus, Discos, Spiderman birthdays, Fiestas, "Over the Hill” parties, Rock n' Roll dances, Dora and Diego sleepovers, Rodeos, Roaring Twenties galas, and my personal favorite the "Ugly Christmas Sweater” party. Surely that's enough to carry us through our first four years in office; and if we manage to score a second term, I can always turn to Pinterest for ideas.

In addition, most First Ladies are expected to promote a particular "cause”. Laura Bush advocated early childhood education; Nancy Reagan told us to "Just Say No” to drugs; Jackie Kennedy restored the White House; Lady Bird beautified our highways; Michelle Obama seems determined to make us eat healthier (I wonder if she's serving tofu at those fancy State dinners!) and Lucy Hayes instigated the very first Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. So far, in terms of my own "cause” to champion, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: establishing some kind of proper dress code for airline travel; and persuading iTunes to make the old Perry Mason TV series available for download on my iPad. I'm leaning heavily toward Perry Mason.

These are just a few of the reasons why I want to be First Lady. Now I'm going to tell you why I think I'd be a particularly good one. Basically it comes down to four things. First, I would keep my pointy little nose out of policy issues. Second, as a mother and a grandmother I know when to nurture and console; and when to look a kid (or a country) straight in the eye and say, "Knock off the whining. You're not going anywhere until this mess is cleaned up!” Third, I'm a lot of fun – a trait not displayed often enough in the role. Fourth, and perhaps most important, I have always been a firm believer that the United States of America is the greatest country ever put on the earth, and being First Lady would give me a million more opportunities to say so!

The thing is, in order to make any of this happen I've somehow got to get my husband elected President, which is why I am officially launching his last-minute campaign as a write-in candidate. Therefore, fellow citizens, as you prepare to cast that all-important ballot this fall, I implore you, for the good of your country, please vote for us – oops, I mean him. Thank you.

I am Lee Ann Lewis, and I approve this message.